Trigger Battle

Trigger Battle

My brain is trying to ignore how I feel but my body is screaming. I seem calm but with every breath I am on the verge of tears. I feel so sensitive to everything around me. Existing in a normal life feels overwhelming. 

Every mugshot burns in my brain with no way to escape it. Every feeling of trying to save him. Of trying to hide from him. Of trying to forget him. My chest tenses the more I am flooded with all of these past feelings. 

Feelings, not thoughts or logic. Feelings of all of the hurt, pain, anxiety and fear. How my body felt those moments I was trying to protect my newborn son from this monster who had been taken over with drugs. The monster who I have spent the past 7 years hiding from while trying to give my child a normal life. The monster who pawned my most precious things, put my baby in danger and stole everything he could from me. 

My body amplifies every feeling. The sadness I feel in times like this doesn’t know how to accept the monster as he is, a monster that tried to destroy me. Someone who I spend every day of my life battling in my ptsd brain.