PTSD Nightmares

Nightmares

I have had 2 days of awful nightmares and I am just angry today. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be constantly haunted by him. I can’t even escape him in my dreams. Then, a cloud of anxiety follows me all day. When I got home last night I just wanted to crawl in a ball and cry because I made it through the day. It took everything in me to even get out of bed yesterday morning. But what would I call in for, PTSD? We need to normalize that.

In the dream he kidnaps our son and I can’t find him anywhere. I try calling the cops, but like in all of my dreams, my phone won’t work. I keep trying to dial numbers and nothing happens. My partner was with me looking for them. We finally received a lead to a bar where my mother n law was working and went to see if she had my son. 

There was a long line to get in. We finally got to the top and they let my partner in, but not me. He didn’t notice I wasn’t behind him and disappeared into the crowd, not able to hear my screams. I was now on my own. I ended up pushing through the bouncer and made a run for it. I went to the stairwell which was like something out of Alice and Wonderland. They kept moving and now matter how fast I ran or jumped, I was not getting very far. Finally I made it to the top where my mother n law was. She had my son zipped in a holder across her body. 

That is when I woke up. I woke up my partner and could not stop crying. The nightmares just seem so real. All I want is to keep my son safe. 

I have a restraining order against his dad. I belong to a program that protects my address so it is not searchable anywhere. I changed my car, my house, my number. I deleted my social media. I have cut off contact with the family members I love and still want to talk to. No matter what I do, it is not enough. My brain still thinks it is not enough. 

I can not escape this PTSD nightmare. I am stuck here and get so frustrated with myself for doing so. 

This is why I started this blog. I am struggling to embrace my trauma.