Here I Am

Here I Am

Here I am, living the life we always dreamed of. Without you. Living my best life, minus my best friend. Raising the most amazing child, without his dad. It was not supposed to be this way, but it is. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing.

So why does it hurt so damn much? It is like a constant pain that never goes away. It feels like my heart is shattered and they tried to stitch it back together but the stitches aren't holding. They are just ripping my heart even more.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. After everything you did to me how can I feel this way? What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop feeling-hurt, missing, wanting, wishing, hoping. You made your choices and they were not us. You chose the crack pipes, needles and hookers over us. They are what you wanted. So why the hell can't I move on

It is like I am still frozen in disbelief of all of this. That you could walk away from the amazing love that we had. It was so good. Too good. I always wonder if it was even real. I always doubt it, which is the hardest part. But deep down inside I know it was. You loved me more than you were capable of loving anything. For almost 20 years. Way before there was you and drugs, there was you and me. That, that part was real. Knowing it was real is what makes it hurt so bad. I almost needed it to be fake.

I always tell everyone that it is like you passed away. The person I loved is gone. He vanished long ago. I am not sure when he fully left, but I know when he started to vanish. You tried to hold on, but you just couldn't anymore. Now, everytime you have a slight moment of sobriety you seem to actually realize what you lost.

My entire life is like those moments you have. I know what I lost, I know I will never find it again. I know that for the rest of my life I will be looking, but won't even come close to finding it. I wish it was just for a slight moment. I wish I could forget like you. 

I wish I could forget. But, here I am.